Thank You!

I just wanted to take this moment and tell all of you, Thank You!   You will never know how much all the outpouring of love and all the kind words of encouragement you all have shared have really meant!    I can't even count all the Facebook comments and messages I have been getting.    I have even been getting tons of phone calls and text messages.   It's really humbling to know all of you out there are watching and hoping the best for me.    Thanks again!    

Day 6 of Preparation.....

I decided that it was best to start preparing my body, now,  for what is to come.   At the Resort they don't allow any soda (obviously) but they also don't allow caffeine.   They don't even allow coffee.   All we are allowed to drink is Water or Herbal Tea.   They do have a coffee substitute available for those who just have to have the smell and flavor it wake them up, but that doesn't really affect me.   At this moment, out of everything that is about to come my way I am dreading the fact that I have to drink WATER.....I HATE WATER!   Don't ask me why, I just do!   I can't stand the taste, or the "lack" of flavor water has.   Maybe its just because I have grown up drinking all the super sugary soda pop and never learned to drink it.     I'm slowly weaning myself off of sugary drinks.   I have stopped all caffeine and carbonation consumption.   I have started drinking more water and have replaced the soda with Gatorade, Sobe Life Water, and Mio.  Friday started the caffeine deprivation headaches, and they are still continuing, however they are not as severe.  

I have also started eating healthier and doing so I have found myself becoming more aware of the things we eat and put in our bodies.    I know I should know all of this "new" information that I am just now paying attention too, but as a good friend mentioned to me the other day, "It's just like wearing or not wearing your seatbelt.   You are told over and over again to use it, but some think that nothing will ever happen to them, until something slaps them in the face (the steering wheel or a windshield maybe) and you realize how important it is."

In a Facebook post on Wednesday, I talked about my soda consumption in relation to calories.    Once Maverik opened I would stop in on my way to work and grab a XXL Coke and then I would stop again on my way home and grab another.    Each one of those drinks has around 800 calories, so times that by 2 and that gives me 1,600 calories that I just drank.   At the resort we get 3 meals, 2 snacks, AND dessert every day!  The crazy part is that ALL that food has to be less than 1,500 calories.   So now compare that to the drinks.   A whole day's allotment of food has fewer calories than just 2 drinks.....kinda crazy.  Plus then on top of all that soda, you have to add in everything else you eat or drink.

I have started to eat A LOT more fruit and veggies, and have started watch my portions for my meals.  One thing I did when I first started watching the portions was fix my plate like I normally would.    After that I would portion that food out correctly onto another plate so I could visualize how much I was actually eating now to how I was overeating, and to help train my eyes to see the proper portions.    It was amazing how much I would eat of certain things and how little of others.    Give it a try once and see for yourself!  

I have only been doing the for a week now and I can not belive how much better I feel already!   I can't imagine what I am going to feel like in a month!    That feeling is what is driving me.   What I am most looking forward to.   I am not going down there to lose "weight" as in a number.  I don't care what the scale says.  I don't really have goal weight.  As I mentioned in my first post I just want to feel good in my clothes.   I just want to fit in a roller coaster.   I just want to be able to live life unrestricted......

My Relationship With Food...

"Ingredients are not sacred. The ate of cuisine is sacred.  It is at that alter I worship, and I shall go forth to sacrifice the fat geese and tender cattle to serve its ends.  The holy icons of a chef's faith; fragrant truffles, rich foie gras, well-marbled meats and other luxurious ingredients - these are not God.   Their synthesis and their miraculous transformation into a sum greater than its parts is creation, and this is what I find most worthy of reverence."
        -Tanith Tyrr

That my friends is my most favorite quote.  I have a different relationship with food than most people to.  Food is my life.  My source of income.  What I have spent my short time here on earth, focusing on.  I see food as a way of life.  Some say they eat to live, but in all reality I live to "eat".     Food brings people together.  Think of the holidays, birthdays, and all the other celebrations in between.   Other than the event or person we honor, what is the main focus, food.   Think about how much time we fuss over the menus we will serve.

Some people are just fine with going to the store and buying everything and anything pre-packaged.   Paying no attention to how things go together, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.    When I plan food for an event and even my daily meals, I plan based on the event/day,  the holiday, and whats in season.    Whether its just appetizers or a full 5 course meal, everything must compliment each other.    How will it look presented?   Will it be easy to eat?  If everything is eaten all in one bite, how will all the components of the dish "fit" each other.   Is it texturally pleasing to the mouth?    What will we be drinking?   Soda, wines, or champagne?     Who am I cooking for?   Plus then you have to work in everybodys likes and dislikes.   That is all just the beginning before I even hit the store.    All of this work pays off in the end.   At times I may over think things, as a lot of chefs do, but that is what I find most enjoyable.  The ultimate pay off is at the end of the meal when everyone is happy, when I can see the smiles creep across the room as they are taking their last bite of the creme brulee or bread pudding.  

Look into the history of the world.     Food has always been a symbol of power, of class, and of wealth.  If you were large, that usually meant that you were pretty well off.     Maybe in the back of my mind, deep down into my subconscious, that I associated with that.    That being large made me powerful.   I now know that that is not the case,  that being large has held me back from becoming "powerful" in my own way.   It's like I can see my path through this door.  I can see the life I want to have, becoming the person I want to be, but the door is too small.   I can't fit.   For as much as I try to cover up and slide through, no matter how much I squirm, I just can make it through.... The only way I can fit through this theoretical door is to lose the weight.    I can't wait for the day when I can grab a hold of that door knob, open the door, and walk right through into my new life without a single thing holding me back.....

Am I Scared?

This is another question I have been getting asked.   Am I scared??      Frankly, No I am not.   Why should I be?    When I tell that to people the response I get is usually something like "Oh, I would be so scared of those trainers."   For starters it's not going to be anything like you see on TV.   Jillian is not going to be anywhere near the resort.   From what we are told, the trainers aren't going to be yelling and screaming.   They want you to confide in them.  They want to build you up.   By no means am I scared to be doing this.   If I was scared, I wouldn't be doing this.    Maybe, my excitement is covering up the scared emotions, but I doubt it.

I know that my entire weight loss journey won't be finished the second I walk out of the Resort doors.    It wasn't all put there over night so it's not going to come off overnight.     When I first accepted the idea of going to the resort I had an image in my mind that I would lose ALL my weight while I was there.  It took a little while to understand that I would still have to work just as hard after I got home.  Plus that it is going to be twice as hard after leaving the resort.    I am going there and being dropped off.   I will have no source of transportation other than the resort shuttles that take us to and from our hiking locations every morning and the weekly trip to Target.   I will be living there, not having any temptations around me, having all of my meals being pre-portioned and prepared.   Maybe after a month my mind will have adjusted itself to this way of life, but coming home I will have ALL the temptations around me.    

I am a classically trained french chef, which means that we know how to use cream and butter in just about anything and how adding butter or cheese to just about anything makes it a million times better.   It's going to be a big adjustment for me.  However, it will make me that much better of a chef.    How many chefs out there will know how to make the most decadent burre blanc (A wine, cream, and butter sauce), but then turn around an know how to make an entire entree that takes just as good,  but has fewer calories than just the burre blanc alone!   Not only do we get a few cooking and portion control classes included with the program, I have also arranged a few private lessons with their chef.   EXCITING right?!?!?

Another reason that I am way more excited than scared is the fact that it is WARM!   It may not be summer temperatures but I am sooo ready to spend some time outside.   To feel the warm kiss of the suns rays on my skin as we hike through the beautiful read mountains of southern Utah.    Plus, every Saturday we get the opportunity to go to a state park such as Bryce or Zions and hike though there as well!    By no means have I ever even wanted to hike anywhere, but something has lit up inside me that has this burning desire to go exploring!

My entire life will change next Friday.   My current reality will be a thing of the past.   Friday my life becomes all about change, workouts, and healthy living.   What things that I find impossible now, will I find most exciting then.  Maybe I be able to see my toes for the first time.   Maybe I'll be able to get out of a car like a normal person.   How soon will I be able to tie my aprons on like a normal person where it wraps around you and then come back to the front.   Can I finally shop in normal clothing stores?  Can I finally feel like I am wearing a shirt and not a bed sheet??     Maybe even a nice suit, not that I have anywhere to wear it to, but at least know that I have one!   Better yet, maybe the best feeling will be when I can walk into any clothing store and know that I will be able to find something that fits!   All these little things that I have never been able to do, at least not in my memory, but that you may take for granted every day!  

My grandma (Kathy Buhler) shared something with me this evening that has really helped inspire me even more!   Help me keep things in perspective a little bit and I just wanted to share it with all you!   

Why Now?

Why now?   A simple question, but a question that has many answers.  This is a question I have been asked a lot lately about my decision to go to the Biggest Loser Resort.   At first, I wasn't sure how to answer.   The only thing that came to my head was "because I'm large."    After once instance, I thought about it.   Why am I wanting to go do this?  Why is it all the sudden so important for me to do this?   There were some obvious health reasons but there had to be some underlying aspect to this.   Then I started to dig deeper,  digging back into farthest recces of my mind.   The memories and experiences that I have, unbeknownst to me, been suppressing.

I have been big my entire life.  My family isn't the smallest group of people either.   Being large was just a part of my life.   It never was a major concern, and if it was, no body really said anything until I was in my teens, and I didn't think anything about it until then either.    Being large had become a part of who I am and my identity, at least that's how I saw it.   My nickname for as long as I can remember has been "Big Buhler."  I have never been bullied about my weight, not even when I was younger.  NEVER!   I had and still do, have such high self-esteem that there are times that I feel like I am going to burst from my own pride.   People built that up, my friends built that up, my customers even helped build it.  I never felt like I needed to change.  There have even been a few times that I have though "what if I loose this weight, and no body likes me anymore?  What if nobody will know who I am?  What if people forget about me?  If I'm "skinny" what would there be about me that people would remember?"  That is how ingrained being large is ingrained into my mind.  Being large was who I am, who I was.    Obviously I know that there are many things that people love me for and would remember me, but those thoughts occasionally run through my mind.    Notice how I think of myself,  I never use the word "fat" when describing myself.   This is not to be politically correct, that's I really how I think of myself.   The word "FAT" is such a negative word, and I have never felt FAT.    

If you know me very well, you know my obsession with Roller Coasters and Thrill Rides.   Nothing in the world makes me more happy then spending the day being spun in circles and being hurled over a giant steel mountain and plummeting to the earth only to stop at the last second and head into a loop or tight banked curve.   LOVE IT!   Im not sure how long ago this was, but it was the first year Wicked opened up at Lagoon.   I was beyond ecstatic to ride this ride.   We waited for hours and finally it was our turn!   We all piled on the cart and pulled the lap bars down.   We were all preparing ourselves to head out when one of the ride attendants came up to me and told me that my lap bar wasn't as closed as it safely needed to be.   They then gathered several of the other attendants to come help.   It took 3 people to push the lap bar down far enough.  All this happening when there are hundreds of people around. watching, staring.   It never bothered me though.   However, I was disappointing when I went back the following summer and I no longer fit.   I haven't been able to fit on most the rides at Lagoon for a few years.   

Then about 3 or 4 Christmas' ago my whole family went to Florida to Disney World and Sea World.   Disney's rides I don't have a problem fitting in.   They seem to keep us larger people in mind when designing their rides.   The real problem was at Sea World.  If you have ever been there, or heard of some of the things that are there you know how AMAZING the roller coasters are.  They are some on the best in the world.    It's a thrill junkies DREAM!   Guess what?   I couldn't ride a single one.    Ready for a funny story?   They have a coasted called "The Manta."   It's one of those where the seats fold up and you are flying face down through the track.   They had a tester seat out at the front of the line, just to make sure you fit before you waited several hours in line.  Dad told me to get in.   I knew I wouldn't fit but I went ahead and did it anyways.   POOF!   I didn't fit.   I still waited in line, just to be sure.  Maybe that seat out front was made smaller just to be sure you really could fit.   Maybe they had a special seat for large people.  After winding through the line, which are designed around some of the most beautiful aquariums I have ever seen, it was finally our turn.    We all go and get in the cars, and with so much hope I pulled my shoulder harness down, and to my disappointment, it didn't fit.   Wanna know the worst part?   This pretty cute ride attendant comes over asks ALL of the other guests off the ride.    She then pulled us aside and told us that there was so much weight in our car that it made the ride malfunction.   The had to completely reset the ride.    Again, at the time, I didn't care.   I just waited for the rest of them to go ride.    So, since I couldn't fit on anything how did I spend my day?    I spent my day getting the most out of my "all day, all you can eat" dining plan.   Smart right?   Not really helping my situation out here haha!    Not being able to enjoy these places really has really left a large hole in my soul.

Fast forward to culinary school.   It's wasn't easy for reasons beyond the fact of kitchen work being hard. Being as large as I am and standing on your feet all day,  running around the hot, small, cramped kitchen isn't easy on the body.  It was very uncomfortable.  I think it held me back somewhat.   There was one weekend while we were running the restaurant and nothing seemed to be going right.    I just couldn't get moving like I needed to.     We were several orders behind and then chef was breathing fire down our necks to get our asses moving.   That is when I hit me.   That is when the realization that if I was smaller, life, work, and all around happiness wouldn't be so hard.

Around the end of September my Grandma had mentioned to my mother the idea of me going and spending some time at the Biggest Loser Resort.     Mom, then in turn, mentioned it to me.   I was pissed.      I was NOT being sent to "fat camp."   I didn't need it.   I could lose the weight all on my own.    I just couldn't get the fact that I was going to be sent to a "fat camp" out of my head.    I tried for a couple months to lose the weight on my own.   Nothing really seemed to help.    I can change my eating habits all I want but it is really hard to get active when you are stuck in a 12x24 foot building for 12 hours a day, then head home and continue cooking and baking, then doing all the paperwork for the day.    By the time that is all over with I am just so tired that I just head off to bed,  then the process repeats itself everyday.  

After a few months of thinking and trying I finally decided that going to the Biggest Loser Resort is what was going to be best for me.  I need help.   I need to get away from everything and just focus on my health. So I decided to take another semester off from finishing school and get into the Resort as soon as possible.   Getting away and not having to focus on school, the shack, or any part of what has become my daily reality is what I think is going to be the key factor in helping me while I'm there.     We will see how true this will be.

I will be entering the program on Sunday February 2nd and I'll be attending for 4 weeks.   My "graduation" date is set for Saturday March 1st.    I will continue to update this blog as often as I can while I am there.  I will be very personal. very raw, very real about my experiences there.     My only 1 stipulation to this is that I will not post ANY pictures of myself until after I come home, not on here nor on Facebook.   A Before picture will be posted when I leave.    

I want to thank everyone who has been so helpful in getting me to this decision to get my health and life back in order.     My parents, family, and friends have obviously been a HUGE factor, but the largest is most definitely my Grandpa and Grandma Vincent who have graciously paid for the whole stay.    To them I owe it all.   They have always been the most supportive people I know.