Why Now?

Why now?   A simple question, but a question that has many answers.  This is a question I have been asked a lot lately about my decision to go to the Biggest Loser Resort.   At first, I wasn't sure how to answer.   The only thing that came to my head was "because I'm large."    After once instance, I thought about it.   Why am I wanting to go do this?  Why is it all the sudden so important for me to do this?   There were some obvious health reasons but there had to be some underlying aspect to this.   Then I started to dig deeper,  digging back into farthest recces of my mind.   The memories and experiences that I have, unbeknownst to me, been suppressing.

I have been big my entire life.  My family isn't the smallest group of people either.   Being large was just a part of my life.   It never was a major concern, and if it was, no body really said anything until I was in my teens, and I didn't think anything about it until then either.    Being large had become a part of who I am and my identity, at least that's how I saw it.   My nickname for as long as I can remember has been "Big Buhler."  I have never been bullied about my weight, not even when I was younger.  NEVER!   I had and still do, have such high self-esteem that there are times that I feel like I am going to burst from my own pride.   People built that up, my friends built that up, my customers even helped build it.  I never felt like I needed to change.  There have even been a few times that I have though "what if I loose this weight, and no body likes me anymore?  What if nobody will know who I am?  What if people forget about me?  If I'm "skinny" what would there be about me that people would remember?"  That is how ingrained being large is ingrained into my mind.  Being large was who I am, who I was.    Obviously I know that there are many things that people love me for and would remember me, but those thoughts occasionally run through my mind.    Notice how I think of myself,  I never use the word "fat" when describing myself.   This is not to be politically correct, that's I really how I think of myself.   The word "FAT" is such a negative word, and I have never felt FAT.    

If you know me very well, you know my obsession with Roller Coasters and Thrill Rides.   Nothing in the world makes me more happy then spending the day being spun in circles and being hurled over a giant steel mountain and plummeting to the earth only to stop at the last second and head into a loop or tight banked curve.   LOVE IT!   Im not sure how long ago this was, but it was the first year Wicked opened up at Lagoon.   I was beyond ecstatic to ride this ride.   We waited for hours and finally it was our turn!   We all piled on the cart and pulled the lap bars down.   We were all preparing ourselves to head out when one of the ride attendants came up to me and told me that my lap bar wasn't as closed as it safely needed to be.   They then gathered several of the other attendants to come help.   It took 3 people to push the lap bar down far enough.  All this happening when there are hundreds of people around. watching, staring.   It never bothered me though.   However, I was disappointing when I went back the following summer and I no longer fit.   I haven't been able to fit on most the rides at Lagoon for a few years.   

Then about 3 or 4 Christmas' ago my whole family went to Florida to Disney World and Sea World.   Disney's rides I don't have a problem fitting in.   They seem to keep us larger people in mind when designing their rides.   The real problem was at Sea World.  If you have ever been there, or heard of some of the things that are there you know how AMAZING the roller coasters are.  They are some on the best in the world.    It's a thrill junkies DREAM!   Guess what?   I couldn't ride a single one.    Ready for a funny story?   They have a coasted called "The Manta."   It's one of those where the seats fold up and you are flying face down through the track.   They had a tester seat out at the front of the line, just to make sure you fit before you waited several hours in line.  Dad told me to get in.   I knew I wouldn't fit but I went ahead and did it anyways.   POOF!   I didn't fit.   I still waited in line, just to be sure.  Maybe that seat out front was made smaller just to be sure you really could fit.   Maybe they had a special seat for large people.  After winding through the line, which are designed around some of the most beautiful aquariums I have ever seen, it was finally our turn.    We all go and get in the cars, and with so much hope I pulled my shoulder harness down, and to my disappointment, it didn't fit.   Wanna know the worst part?   This pretty cute ride attendant comes over asks ALL of the other guests off the ride.    She then pulled us aside and told us that there was so much weight in our car that it made the ride malfunction.   The had to completely reset the ride.    Again, at the time, I didn't care.   I just waited for the rest of them to go ride.    So, since I couldn't fit on anything how did I spend my day?    I spent my day getting the most out of my "all day, all you can eat" dining plan.   Smart right?   Not really helping my situation out here haha!    Not being able to enjoy these places really has really left a large hole in my soul.

Fast forward to culinary school.   It's wasn't easy for reasons beyond the fact of kitchen work being hard. Being as large as I am and standing on your feet all day,  running around the hot, small, cramped kitchen isn't easy on the body.  It was very uncomfortable.  I think it held me back somewhat.   There was one weekend while we were running the restaurant and nothing seemed to be going right.    I just couldn't get moving like I needed to.     We were several orders behind and then chef was breathing fire down our necks to get our asses moving.   That is when I hit me.   That is when the realization that if I was smaller, life, work, and all around happiness wouldn't be so hard.

Around the end of September my Grandma had mentioned to my mother the idea of me going and spending some time at the Biggest Loser Resort.     Mom, then in turn, mentioned it to me.   I was pissed.      I was NOT being sent to "fat camp."   I didn't need it.   I could lose the weight all on my own.    I just couldn't get the fact that I was going to be sent to a "fat camp" out of my head.    I tried for a couple months to lose the weight on my own.   Nothing really seemed to help.    I can change my eating habits all I want but it is really hard to get active when you are stuck in a 12x24 foot building for 12 hours a day, then head home and continue cooking and baking, then doing all the paperwork for the day.    By the time that is all over with I am just so tired that I just head off to bed,  then the process repeats itself everyday.  

After a few months of thinking and trying I finally decided that going to the Biggest Loser Resort is what was going to be best for me.  I need help.   I need to get away from everything and just focus on my health. So I decided to take another semester off from finishing school and get into the Resort as soon as possible.   Getting away and not having to focus on school, the shack, or any part of what has become my daily reality is what I think is going to be the key factor in helping me while I'm there.     We will see how true this will be.

I will be entering the program on Sunday February 2nd and I'll be attending for 4 weeks.   My "graduation" date is set for Saturday March 1st.    I will continue to update this blog as often as I can while I am there.  I will be very personal. very raw, very real about my experiences there.     My only 1 stipulation to this is that I will not post ANY pictures of myself until after I come home, not on here nor on Facebook.   A Before picture will be posted when I leave.    

I want to thank everyone who has been so helpful in getting me to this decision to get my health and life back in order.     My parents, family, and friends have obviously been a HUGE factor, but the largest is most definitely my Grandpa and Grandma Vincent who have graciously paid for the whole stay.    To them I owe it all.   They have always been the most supportive people I know.